Who Am I?

It's 8am, I've been awake since about 5:30am, and my mind has been racing. When I was in Utah two weeks ago I had two days without a husband or kids. For the first time in a VERY long time, I felt like JENN again. Not wife Jenn. Not mom Jenn. Just Jenn. I was happy. I like being just Jenn. Life is easier, I can be selfish, I can be rested, I can focus on ME and do what I want to do. To be honest, I don't remember what that was like. I got married at 19 and it all seems so long ago that I was just Jenn. I can't help but long for that life again on days like today when my grandparents and aunt were able to get up early and head up to DC for a fun day of sight seeing and I'm stuck here with my kids, as always. Not that I necessarily want to head into DC (been there done that a million times), but I'd love the FREEDOM to do so.

There are so many women in my life that I feel like are "natural born mothers." I, unfortunately for my kids, am not one of those. I love my kids more than I can even express, but I feel like I have to strive every day to be HAPPY in what I'm doing. Maybe I would be put to better use as a working professional? My personality is such that I feel like I could be successful in the work place, whereas I feel like I continually fail as a mother and as a wife. Would I rather be single? Sometimes. Would I rather not have children? Sometimes. Would I rather be working? Sometimes. But then, I fear, I would find emptiness. I think spouses and children bring life to life. Yes, life would be easier if I was just Jenn. But it would not help me fulfill my mission here on earth-to learn, to experience the good AND bad, to grow. I guess I just need to find ways to be happy, to make myself happy as wife and mother Jenn and give up on the idea of ever being just Jenn again. I love my husband and I love my boys SO much, I really do. For some reason though, I'm struggling to find true happiness in my calling as a wife and mother.

Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions?